Have you ever found yourself feeling uneasy whenever your parents express even the slightest hint of disapproval?

Maybe you’re on the phone with them and catch yourself minimizing your own successes just because you don’t want to sound like you’re bragging. Or you put off certain life decisions because you know deep down they wouldn’t fully approve. If any of this rings true, you’re not alone.

Over the years in my work as a relationship counselor, I’ve seen countless adults wrestling with the desire to gain their parents’ thumbs-up. It’s like being stuck in emotional limbo—fully grown yet still seeking that childhood gold star.

Sometimes this longing for acceptance is obvious and takes center stage in your relationships, jobs, or sense of self. Other times, it’s more subtle and quietly influences the little choices you make every day.

Although loving and supportive parents are a real blessing, not everyone gets that. And even those of us who had relatively nurturing upbringings might carry around leftover emotional baggage that still urges us to do whatever it takes to keep Mom and Dad happy.

Before you know it, you’re an adult who’s still seeking permission or approval, feeling uneasy about stepping out of that comfort zone because you fear letting your parents down.

Today, I want to talk about eight distinctive behaviors that can show up in adults who are still trying to earn their parents’ validation. These aren’t random guesses. They’re patterns I’ve spotted in therapy sessions, personal observations, and conversations with readers who’ve opened up about this struggle.

There’s a lot that goes into these behaviors—cultural expectations, upbringing, and even personality traits can all be factors—but the underlying theme remains the same: a deep-rooted longing to hear “I’m proud of you” from the people who raised us.

1. Overexplaining your choices

Have you ever found yourself justifying why you switched career paths or moved to a new city, even when no one’s questioning it? You might say things like, “I did this because it made more financial sense,” or “I researched all my options, and trust me, this was logical.”

On the surface, it can look like you’re simply being thorough. But deep down, there’s often an urge to convince your parents (and maybe even yourself) that you made the “right” decision.

The folks at Verywell Mind stand behind this, noting that a people-pleasing mindset can be deeply ingrained from childhood. When we’re wired to seek external validation, especially from parents, we tend to overexplain our actions in hopes of securing approval.

If you notice you’re perpetually adding disclaimers to your decisions, it might be time to examine where that’s coming from.

2. Minimizing your achievements

Sometimes, adults who long for a parent’s validation will downplay their own successes. You might say things like, “It’s nothing much, really,” or “Anyone could’ve done this.”

Minimizing what you’ve worked hard to achieve is another way of shielding yourself from potential criticism. After all, if you act like it’s no big deal, then your parents can’t be too disappointed.

I’ve heard stories from clients who refuse to celebrate their accomplishments openly because they fear their parents’ reactions. If the reaction isn’t as enthusiastic as hoped, it can feel like a personal failure.

Rather than facing possible letdown, some of us decide it’s easier to sweep achievements under the rug. But this denial of your own success only chips away at your self-esteem over time.

3. Avoiding conflict at all costs

Conflict can be uncomfortable, especially if you’ve been conditioned to keep the peace to maintain your parents’ approval.

As a kid, you might have seen parental disagreements blow up into big arguments, or maybe you got punished for speaking up. That memory can linger, leading you to do everything in your power to avoid arguments or disagreements as an adult.

I recall a time I worked with someone who simply couldn’t say “No” to her parents. She’d put her own plans aside just to appease them, even when she was exhausted from juggling work and personal life. She knew deep down she was sacrificing her well-being, but the fear of disapproval was greater.

This cycle of people-pleasing is draining, and breaking free often starts with accepting the discomfort of conflict. Healthy relationships can withstand disagreements—parent-child ones included.

4. Constantly seeking reassurance

When you continually crave someone else’s stamp of approval, you might find yourself asking for reassurance over and over. It could be about your career choice, your parenting style, or even something as trivial as the paint color you chose for your living room.

If you’re repeatedly calling your parents just to hear them say you made the right decision, that might signal a deeper need for their endorsement.

The pros over at Psychology Today have pointed out that when parental approval becomes the bedrock of our self-worth, it can impact everything from our romantic relationships to our overall confidence.

We end up second-guessing ourselves, believing we can’t make a solid choice without external validation. It’s a tough spot to be in and can keep us from owning our autonomy.

5. Comparing yourself to siblings (or friends)

“You might have read my post on breaking free from codependency,” and in it I touched on the power of comparison. When you’re chasing parental nods of approval, you might start holding a mental scoreboard of what your siblings have achieved.

Perhaps a brother or sister got straight A’s and your parents wouldn’t stop bragging about it. Maybe your friend once received that enthusiastic pat on the back you’ve been craving for years.

Comparison is one of the quickest routes to feeling unworthy. Brene Brown put it beautifully: “Stay in your own lane. Comparison kills creativity and joy.” There’s little that’s more discouraging than constantly measuring yourself against others.

When your parents feed into that comparison game—making comments about who’s doing what “better”—it can exacerbate the cycle. Recognizing comparison for what it is (a thief of contentment) is the first step to letting it go.

6. Feeling guilt when prioritizing yourself

Ever canceled a weekend getaway with friends because your parents suggested you should visit them instead? Or felt guilty for not showing up to every single family gathering?

Guilt is a hallmark of seeking parental approval. You might feel a knot in your stomach if you do something purely for yourself, wondering if your parents will judge you for it.

The crew at Healthline has highlighted that guilt can stem from deeply rooted beliefs we formed in childhood about what is and isn’t acceptable.

If you were praised for selfless behavior as a kid, you might grow up feeling like prioritizing yourself is somehow wrong. Working through this guilt means reaffirming that your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s—parents included.

7. Hesitating to set boundaries

Boundaries can feel scary for adults still tied to their parents’ judgment. Saying “I’d rather not discuss my finances” or “I need you to call before dropping by” might trigger anxieties about appearing rude or ungrateful.

But boundaries are essential if you’re to maintain healthy relationships, even with family. They define how you’d like to be treated and protect your mental and emotional space.

I’ve heard from people who keep their boundaries vague or nonexistent because they fear the fallout from their parents.

Unfortunately, leaving everything wide open can pave the way for resentment, misunderstandings, and emotional burnout. Boundaries aren’t about pushing family away; they’re about preserving everyone’s well-being—including yours.

8. Putting your parents on a pedestal

I’ve saved a big one until last, friends. It’s not uncommon to elevate parents to a status that makes their words feel like the ultimate law. You might find yourself saying, “Well, Mom knows best,” even if you’re a fully functional adult with plenty of life experience.

While respect for parents is important, it becomes unhealthy when we place them so high that we forget our own intuition and value.

Maya Angelou once wrote, “Nothing can dim the light that shines from within.” Yet when parents are positioned as the final authority, you run the risk of dimming your own light. It’s vital to remember that parents are human, capable of mistakes and biases. You can honor your upbringing without losing your sense of self.

Final thoughts

Recognizing these behaviors can be eye-opening. Sometimes, they’re so ingrained in our day-to-day life that we don’t even notice the pattern. But take heart: identifying the signs is the first step toward breaking free.

You don’t have to live your adult life under the weight of your parents’ expectations. You can respectfully maintain a loving connection with your family while still making choices that serve you.

Many adults find therapy, journaling, or open conversations with trusted friends to be powerful ways to start unlearning these old habits. The path to self-approval and self-acceptance may feel rocky, but it’s worth every step.

If you can offer yourself the grace and validation you’ve always craved from your parents, you’ll find a freedom that no external endorsement can match.

Signing off

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