I’ve always been fascinated by how people navigate trust in relationships. Sometimes, the more we want to trust, the harder it becomes to lower our guard.

I once had a friend who would share her secrets with me, then immediately regret it, questioning whether I’d use her vulnerabilities against her. At first, it felt personal—like she was implying I might betray her.

But over time, I realized her distrust wasn’t about me at all. She had been hurt in the past and was struggling to let her walls down, even if she genuinely longed for connection.

That situation sparked my curiosity about how a lack of trust can influence everything—from casual friendships to deeper bonds.

Through my work and personal experiences, I’ve come across several telltale signs that reveal when someone has a tough time trusting—even if deep inside, they’re desperate to feel safe enough to let someone in.

Here are eight of those signs I’ve observed, along with some thoughts on what might be going on beneath the surface.

1. They’re constantly on the lookout for hidden motives

One of the most common indicators is when a person always seems to suspect that there’s more to the story than meets the eye. They might read into your tone of voice or the phrasing of a text message, convinced there’s a second layer you’re not sharing.

In my experience, this hypervigilance is a learned behavior—something that developed after repeated disappointments.

I’ve had clients who combed through every tiny detail in a conversation, searching for clues of imminent betrayal. They’d often tell me they couldn’t help it; they felt it was safer to assume the worst than to risk another painful letdown.

If someone you know is constantly fishing for what else could be going on, it might just be their protective reflex kicking in. Sometimes, acknowledging that you see their caution can help them feel a bit safer.

2. They rarely share personal details, no matter how small

Another red flag is when a person keeps everything about themselves under wraps. Even when the topic is benign—like favorite foods or weekend plans—they shut down or change the subject.

It’s possible they’ve seen innocent details weaponized against them before, so they believe that vulnerability, in any form, is risky.

Early in my post-competition years, I found it bizarre when a coworker refused to talk about the simplest things, like a playlist they enjoyed or a show they were binge-watching. Over time, I realized they feared that any personal tidbit could be turned into gossip.

Though it might seem extreme from the outside, to them, over-sharing might open a door they want to keep bolted shut. A gentle way to counter this is to offer up some tidbits about your own life. Show them that sharing can be safe—and sometimes, even rewarding.

3. They test your reactions in subtle ways

Some people might “test” you by giving you a small piece of personal information, waiting to see how you handle it.

Perhaps they reveal a minor insecurity or a harmless secret, and then they watch closely to observe your response. Do you treat it with kindness, or do you brush it off and change the subject?

I recall a dinner conversation where someone mentioned a problem they were having at work. It didn’t sound catastrophic, but they looked at me with this intense gaze, as if checking whether I’d judge them or offer support.

If you notice someone testing the waters in this fashion, keep in mind that trust issues often create a need for reassurance. They want to see proof you can be safe before diving into deeper waters. Respond with understanding, and you might break down one little piece of that protective barrier.

4. They appear uncomfortable with labels or commitments

You might notice this in romantic relationships, friendships, or even professional settings. People who struggle with trust often become uneasy whenever things start to feel “official.”

The label “best friend,” “business partner,” or “significant other” can trigger panic because it implies a deeper level of reliance—and reliance is exactly what they’re trying to avoid.

When I was still figuring out my own boundaries, I had a friend who flat-out refused to use words like “bestie,” and she hated planning events more than a few days in advance. It wasn’t that she didn’t value companionship; she feared the vulnerability of making a concrete commitment.

She worried that if she relied on someone, she’d eventually be let down. Recognizing this tendency can help you see the difference between someone who’s uninterested and someone who’s genuinely scared to trust.

5. They’re overly independent—almost to a fault

Independence is a wonderful trait. It’s great to be self-sufficient and handle life with confidence. But there’s a point where independence can turn into isolation.

Some folks refuse help even when they clearly need it, determined to prove they can handle everything on their own. And underneath that determination might be a strong distrust of others.

I’ve met people who’d rather struggle for days than ask for assistance. They might burn out or stretch themselves too thin simply to avoid admitting they need support.

In a conversation with a mentor, I mentioned how I, too, once clung to my independence to protect myself from disappointment. Over the years, I’ve realized leaning on the right people doesn’t make us weak; it’s an opportunity to grow closer, and ironically, to build real trust.

6. They recall and recount betrayals vividly

When someone’s been hurt repeatedly, they tend to keep those betrayals front and center in their mind. I’ve noticed that individuals who have trouble trusting will bring up past letdowns—often in detail.

They might recount how a friend shared their secret or how a partner broke their promise, referencing these events whenever they sense a similar threat.

James Clear, in his book Atomic Habits, talks about how our brains latch onto negative experiences as a survival mechanism. It’s meant to help us avoid future harm, but it can also keep us stuck.

For a person who struggles with trust, those memories serve as warning signals. Acknowledging the pain behind these stories can sometimes open up a bridge, letting them know you respect their experiences—even if you weren’t the one who caused them.

7. They interpret neutral comments as criticism

Imagine sharing a casual observation, only to have the other person react as though you’ve attacked them. It can be jarring. But for someone used to being judged or hurt, neutral comments might get amplified in their mind. The mere possibility of criticism can feel threatening, so they overreact.

I’ve seen this play out in group settings where someone flips from calm to defensive at lightning speed. It might seem irrational to everyone else, but from their viewpoint, they’re preparing for a fight-or-flight scenario. They assume harm before it happens because that feels safer than being caught off guard.

If you’re witnessing this, it helps to remain calm, clarify your intentions gently, and give them a moment to settle before explaining what you really meant.

8. They struggle to accept kind gestures

Finally, one subtle sign is when someone has difficulty receiving kindness or compliments. Compliments about their work, appearance, or achievements might be met with suspicion or even dismissal.

To them, an act of kindness could be a setup for manipulation—or it might just feel unfamiliar if they’ve rarely experienced genuine positivity in the past.

I’ve found that building trust can be as simple as repeated positive interactions that carry no hidden demands. In other words, be kind with no strings attached. Over time, those small gestures can start to chip away at their doubts.

Dr. Andrew Huberman often emphasizes the impact of consistent, positive experiences on reprogramming our reflexive responses. Every time we show genuine support without expecting anything in return, we offer a counter-narrative to someone’s story of distrust.

Conclusion

When it comes to navigating trust issues, compassion and patience go a long way. The person who struggles to let their guard down often wrestles with an internal conflict: they might deeply desire closeness but see vulnerability as a potential pitfall.

Recognizing these eight signs can help you approach such relationships with empathy, offering stability in small, consistent ways.

If you identify with any of these behaviors yourself, it may be worth exploring them gently—maybe through journaling, open conversations, or even professional guidance.

Recognizing a trust barrier is the first step toward dismantling it. Over time, supportive and respectful interactions can reshape old patterns, building a stronger foundation for genuine, fulfilling connections.

Trust, after all, is a process. Little by little, by showing up sincerely and consistently, we can help those who struggle to trust feel safer about letting down their guard. And in many ways, that’s one of the greatest gifts we can offer—both to them and to ourselves.

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